Toddlerface!

 

I was visiting my brother and his wife while he had a friend over. This friend was a Senior Practice Management Strategist at one of those investment firms. Every article of his clothing had its own advisor. His cuff links received more money in dividends quarterly, in three months, than I saw in three years. He was pretty well off to say the least, and he had no problem letting every one, even my three-year niece. She attempted to offer him some imaginary cake, but he briskly waved her away claiming the cake had to many calories and unlike her he was trying to lose fat.

Needless to say, the child was offended, even if she didn’t understand why. She abruptly left the gathering and went upstairs. The adults laughed and laughed and laughed until we noticed the child return to the gathering wearing one of her father’s suits. The gerund “wearing” is doing a lot of work. The suit was clearly wearing her. She waltzed into the room with all of the finesse of a cat or a dog covered in bed sheets.

She proceeded to mimic my brothers’ wealthy friend. Why her vocabulary was miniscule, her propensity to mock was enormous. She sat next to him imitating his many mannerisms from the confident way he flailed his arms and eye browns to the very nonchalant way he’d scratch his ass thinking no one could see him. We were as amazed at her performance as were with the fact that she made it down the stairs without falling.

The wealthy friend was not amused. Midway through her act he stood up and said “How would you like it if put on diaper and started spouting gibberish? Huh!”

The child said nothing, but the child did laugh. As did we all. In that moment he parted my brother’s house, only to return an hour later after my sister in-law put her daughter to bed.

The wealthy friend strutted through the front door in an nothing but adult diaper and the powerfully overwhelming scent of feces saying, “Gabba, gabba, I make poopy! Is this funny, am I funny? Gabba gabba, change me!”

Through the laughter we asked him why he did this, he replied simply: “She started it!”

When we finished laughing at this man offended by a three year we asked him to leave and to seek help from a professional.